Did Chingy Predict 2020 in 2003?

Yes.

As you will see in the below manifesto, the song “Holidae Inn” by Chingy is absolutely riddled with symbolism and links to COVID-19, The Illuminati, Satan and Tom Brady. For the sake of keeping this relatively short, I will limit my comments to select lines the first verse of the 2003 Billboard Top 10 All-Time song (as voted on by me). 

https://youtu.be/GmKjTC8yDFM

What you thought Chingy meant: Holidae Inn - Party at the local British owned American hotel chain Holiday Inn founded in 1952 by Kemmons Wilson

What Chingy actually meant: everyone will go on a government-mandated extended HOLIDAY, IN their own homes. 

While originally founded in Memphis, Tennessee, Holiday Inn is now headquartered in Dedham, Buckinghamshire (England). Here is why this fact is important: England under rule of Queen Elizabeth II who, according to multiple sources on Facebook from my hometown, is a Satanist and also part of the Illuminati (!!!!!). It is also worth mentioning that Dedham, Buckinghamshire was listed in the “Doomsday Book” written in 1086 (!!!!!!!!!). Sounds pretty ominous to me however in the interest of full disclosure, I did not click the Wikipedia link for Doomsday Book in the article while I was doing the research for this project. 

Holidae Inn = 10 characters (including spaces) - why else would he change the spelling?

Nostradamus = 10 letters

What Chingy said: “Get a 12 pack of Corona plus an ounce of ‘dro, ya know?”

What Chingy meant: The number 12 refers to Tom Brady and the fact that he will be leaving the Patriots. “‘Dro” refers to marijuana grown by way of hydroponics using water instead of soil. Tom Brady went to Tampa Bay, which is conveniently located next to water!

Chingy’s outwardly use of the word “Corona” (which is street slang for COVID-19) is interesting in a sense that he very obviously knows exactly what is about to happen in 13 years after the release of his song. How I did not pick up on this in the 7th grade is baffling. 

What Chingy said: “Pull up, stop park, rims still spinnin”

What Chingy meant: 

Stop park: Stop going to parks and other public spaces, they will be closed and off limits - this is a clear warning for us to stay home and #FlattenTheCurve.

Rims still spinnin: Chingy isn’t stupid, car rims cannot continue to spin after you stop, that is an absolute impossibility. He meant REMs! (Rapid Eye Movement ) We will be at home with nothing to do so your REM cycles will continue to spin past your normal wake up time. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

What Chingy said: “Now I’m on Highway 2-7, need a natural graze road”

What Chingy meant: The angel number 27 “encourages you to listen to your intuition because it is your best guide (Internet, et al.).” Chingy is telling us to listen to our hearts and not the information being provided to us by reporters, doctors and experts alike. 

What Chingy said: “To room four-nine-O I'm headed; on my way up

There's three girls on the elevator like ‘wassup?’”

What Chingy meant: Another angel number - Angel number 490 “relates to the field of work and personal development and says that the time has come for your professional grown (also got this from the internet).” While the number 3 has a ton of meaning, most notably it is a prime number and a triangle number. You know who else likes triangles? THE ILLUMINATI. 

What Chingy said: “Yeah, that’s me, Ching-a-ling equipped with much ding-a-ling”

What Chingy meant: Nothing that has to do with 2020 or the end of days, just an absolute iconic line that deserves more attention and possibly a Nobel Prize. 

What Chingy said: “There’s some pretty girls in here: I heard ‘em whisperin. Talkin ‘bout that’s that dude that sing ‘Right Thurr’; he glistenin.”

What Chingy meant: “Glistening” refers to vampires (Twilight vampires not Blade vampires, very important distinction) and vampires symbolize the end of days and sucking the blood out of, and eliminating, all humans.  

In conclusion: Chingstradamus was right.

A Definitive Ranking of Steven Seagal Movies From a Guy Who has Definitley Seen More than One Steven Seagal Movie

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

(We should start by this disclaimer of that is such: Steven is currently ALLEGEDLY involved in some shady stuff of which I do not condone, however I do condone kicking bad guys in the face and pony tails on dudes over the age of 40.) 

The following is a definitive ranking of the top 5 Steven Seagal movies based on a few very important parameters that I have set as the foremost expert on movies of this generation, and honestly, quite possibly the next. I have watched well over 75 movies in my lifetime and have also watched The Office and Parks and Rec a combined 5 times through (excluding Scott’s Tots for obvious reasons). 

The scoring will go as followed:

How badass is the cover - 5 points

How badass are the glasses Steven Seagal is wearing on the cover - 7 points

Have I seen the movie - 10 points

How many bad guys get killed (based off of my estimation of either watching the movie or reading a brief summary of said movie) - 12 points

5. Into the Sun (2005)

Cover - 5 points: This cover is SUPER badass. Tons of flames and explosions. Sensi Seagal has what would appear to be an M-16 with a friggin GRENADE LAUNCHER strapped to his back (would probably explain the explosions). The tag line reads “Only one man can stop the Yakuza” and if that’s true, I’m glad he’s on our side. 

Glasses - 0 points: Not even wearing any. Honestly should get negative points IMO. Probably lost them in the explosions though. 

Seen the movie - 0 points: Didn’t even read a summary. 

Bad guys killed - 1 point: Probably like 3 and one of them is just playing dead. 

Final thoughts: 6 points: This movie kind of sucks, don’t waste your time. Does not live up to the hype of the cover. Truly disappointing. 

4. Under Siege 2 (1995)

Cover - 4 points: Ol buddy is literally riding the side of a flaming train, doesn’t get much more badass than that (unless maybe if you were walking away from an exploding train wearing a leather duster ((see above)). 

Glasses - 4 points: Given my limited research on the subject, 1995 was before he started wearing glasses. Could be wrong though honestly. However, he gets 4 points because his eyes in the photo are piercing yet so calming in this seemingly triumphant moment in the movie. Seagal has the look of a guy who is about to save the girl and do what grown-ups do.

Seen the movie - 5.5 points: Have not seen the movie but I think I have seen the original Under Siege and I can infer what happens from there.  

Bad Guys Killed - 9 Points: At least 30 bad guys were on that train. That train looks pretty evil.

Final thoughts - 22.5 points: A major step up from Into the Sun but still not one of Seagal’s strongest performances. As a movie buff, Under Siege 1 is much better. 

3. Code of Honor (2016)

Cover - 5 points: Backwards hat, check. Fire and explosions, check. Large gun, check. Our first look at Steve with a goatee, CHECK. 

Glasses - 7 points: Red oval lenses with wire frames were all the rage in 2016 and we owe it all to one man, Mr. Steven Seagal. Not only is he from Lansing, Michigan and a naturalized citizen of Russia, Steven Seagal is a Kanye-esque trend setter and he does not get enough credit for that. 

Seen the movie - 2 points: This is where this movie gets hurt in the scoring however I have read the first paragraph of the movie’s Wikipedia page. Colonel Robert Sikes appears to be a one man wrecking crew/vigilante. Sikes is fighting against the man (his former protégé and local authorities). This movie is 106 minutes long and had a budget of $8 million. 

Bad Guys Killed - 0 points: Its hard to tell from the first paragraph if he’s killing good guys or bad guys or bad buys who hide behind the veil of being a good guy? So I’m going to play it safe and award him 0 points. 

Final thoughts - 14 points: This movie has it all: a cool cover, red oval glasses, a man who has been wronged (I think?) and Steven Seagal. Definitely worth a watch if you can find yourself a copy at your local pawn shop. 

2. Machete (2010)

Cover - 5 points: Wow. Talk about a star studded cast! Danny Trejo holding, you guessed it, a friggin machete. Jessica Alba is there, remember her? Robert DeNiro of Dirty Grandpa fame. The chick from Fast and Furious! And last but certainly not least, Steven Seagal wielding a very large katana sword. 

Glasses - 5 points: I know he’s not wearing them on the cover but I think he wears them at some point in the movie? Don’t fact check me.

Seen the movie - 10 points: I have seen the movie and I can confidently say its a great rainy day watch or any day watch for that matter. Machete is a masterpiece and the plot is so crazy you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I don’t want to give anything away but the good guys win and its freakin sweet. 

Bad Guys Killed - 11 points (would have been 12 but had to pour one out for the homie S. Seagal): Kind of a good news/bad news situation here, you guys. Seagal (Rogelio Torres) is a bad guy and he meets his death, however he does it in the most traditional way possible for a guy who was born in Michigan and is playing a man of Spanish descent but now lives in Russia and is obsessed with martial arts and Asian culture (I’m talkin’ seppuku, you guys). 

Final thoughts - 31 points: This movie should have swept the 2010 Academy Awards. 

1. Exit Wounds (2001)

Cover - 5 points: Steven Seagal and DMX photoshopped onto a gun in the foreground of an ominous background? This poster is still widely considered the most creative and thought provoking movie poster of all time. Entire masters-level graphic design class curriculums are based solely on this poster alone. I wish I could give it more than just 5 measly points. 

Glasses - 7 points: I know Steven Seagal isn’t wearing his patented round wire framed glasses but honestly how many chances do we get to see DMX in Steven Seagal’s glasses? Have to take and cherish those opportunities when they present themselves. 

Seen the movie - 10 points: I remember watching this exquisite film in my buddy David’s basement (David does CrossFit now but we remain close) and it has lived with me ever since; mostly just the scene where the fat guy tries to follow DMX over the fence but steps into the box and doesn’t make it. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much all I remember about the movie outside of DMX and Steven Seagal putting on a performance that unofficially inspired Prince’s smash hit, “When Doves Cry.”

Bad Guys Killed - 12 points: If my memory serves me correctly from high school, a LOT of bad guys get killed in this movie and it comes in a myriad of forms. Guns, kicks, stabs, punches and swords (probably) are all used to defeat evil.

Final thoughts - 36 points: A perfect score for perfect film. Two noted all-around good guys (Steven Seagal and DMX) will bring you to tears and have you on the edge of your seat for the duration of it’s 102 minutes of run time. You’ll also get to watch a portly man fall though a box and its funnier than it sounds, I swear. 

The Time Has Come For Jeff Brohm to Grow a Mustache

The Time Has Come For Jeff Brohm to Grow a Mustache

Look, I am not in the business of telling people what to do (especially people I have never met that physically intimidate me); as long as you are not being a jerk and respecting the troops, go crazy. But the time has come for Jeff Brohm to grow a mustache.

Anybody who has ever met me knows I have an affinity for flavor savers. All of my heroes have donned mustaches at some point, like such as: Michael Jordan (won like 10 NBA championships? was on the ‘92 Dream Team), Larry Bird (legendary Pacers coach) and Dick Butkus (hilarious name).

So why now? Why is the time right for Brohm to spread his mouth mane wings and fly? Because this weekend is homecoming for the Boilermakers and the Boilers need to go back to their home, back to hanging bowl banners in Mollenkopf. According to HammerandRails.com, Purdue has not started 0-4 since 1982 and as a fan, I’d like to keep that streak alive.

Since that 1982 season (excluding Brohm era), Purdue Football head coaches Leon Burtnett, Fred Akers, Jim Colletto, Patrick Higgins (interim), Darrell Hazell and Gerad Parker (interim) have a combined total of 63 wins and 147 loses and 0 combined mustaches.

Also since 1982, Joe Tiller and Danny Hope lead the Boilermakers to a record of 109-89 with 2 mustaches.

Need more unchecked Wikipedia facts? Ok. From 1984-2017 Purdue went to 14 bowl games and 12 of those teams were lead by a mustachioed man.

Brohm said this team could beat any team or lose to any team they face, and I for one believe him. As a guy who knows little to nothing about football, I know there is only one way to win out the rest of the year - let that lip cabbage go.

It is time we get our swagger back. IU has their tailgates, Ohio State has a suspended head coach and Purdue has a HC with a mustache. It is who we are, it is what we do.

WalkOn30

Well as you can see my new years resolution of writing is going great. The following is a bit of investigative journalism, I am out here risking life and limb for you, the reader. Also I forgot my login information to this blog. I also changed the name. Don't like it? Fight me.

How is your new years resolution going? Losing that weight? Hitting that gym? Going steady with Andrew in accounting yet? He turned out to be a jerk didn't he? Don't worry about it, you are a strong independent human who don't need no man (or woman, this is an inclusive internet site).

Anyways, pitter patter lets get at 'er


As a former athlete (again I use this term extremely loosely) I am always looking for the next challenge - how can I compete? CrossFit? Nah, too hard on my joints and my shoulder mobility is that of a 15 year old arthritic German Shepherd. Intramural sports? Great idea but also that is going to be a hard pass on the account of lack of planning on my part. Diet challenge with your wife? Perfect.

Mrs. Ballinger and I decided we wanted to eat healthier - and I want to look like Gaston LeGume - so we went with the Whole30 Diet. For those of you not familiar, basically you cut out all processed foods, sugar and grains for 30 days - at least that is what my wife said, she read most of the book. As a general rule of thumb, if you cannot read the ingredient with confidence and you do not know what it is, you cannot eat it (this would be tough for all you science nerds and dietitians out there because you know, or should know, what most ingredients are ((I should know, I have barely passed my fair share of science classes and took the same nutrition class in college, twice)). All jokes aside, the diet did actually make me feel better and I had more energy and yada yada yada, below is a quick glimpse on how it went and some of my favorite recipes I found.

The following is an actual log of thoughts and happenings that I wrote (typed) down in my journal (note app on my phone)*:

• Day 1: Couldn't have my normal oatmeal for breakfast so that sucks. Very hungry and very tired. I want an energy drink but those are off limits. Guess I'll have this water. Hangry.
• Day 2: Discovered Lara Bars. Which are Whole30 compliant. Some of them. The ones that sound the best are not but I'll take what I can get. 
• Day 3: Would murder for a burger. Double homicide for burger and nachos. 
• Day 4: I had not been taking my adult gummy vitamins because they have sugar in them. Cheated and took my vitamins. Was in heaven for 30 seconds. Thought about eating entire bottle but refrained. Way to go Kev!
• Day 5: Walking in parking lot of a hospital found a green tea + honey packet on the ground. Thinking about picking it up and drinking it but where would I get hot water? There has got to be hot water somewhere. This can be our little secret. EDITOR'S NOTE: I did not drink said tea. No I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the troops and first responders. 
• Day 6: Friday Night: got invited to have drinks with friends. Not allowed to have alcohol. Mrs. B and I went to a restaurant instead and I ordered a bison burger with no bun. Felt ashamed. Later went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on plantain chips (I'm allowed to have plantain chips) and salsa. 
• Day 7: Ate so many plantain chips I almost threw up. Don't think I was supposed to eat that many plantain chips. 
• Day 8: Gotta find something to do that does not involve alcohol on a perfect spring day. Went to Houston Museum of Natural Science to see an exhibit on Wildlife Photography. Phenomenal exhibit although one picture was the close up of a bird and part of the bird looked like Ramen Noodles. Thought about Ramen for the next 6 hours. 
• Day 9: Ate like 9 salads.
• Day 10: This is actually going pretty well. I feel great and the food is pretty good. I can definitely do this.
• Day 11: Went to Denver on a business trip and had 3 craft beers, nachos, some sort of pizza rollup concoction sent from the heavens and almost an entire Ruben Pizza. 

Eleven days is pretty good, right? That is over .300 - hall of fame numbers.

As promised, here are a few of my favorite recipes from the diet. Try them out and let me know how it goes!

Scrambled Eggs
   Ingredients: Eggs, pepper, dash of salt, maybe some italian seasoning if you're feeling frisky but don't even think about adding delicious shredded cheese
   Prep Time: like 4 minutes maybe?
   How to cook: Crack eggs into hot pan, mix them up until they get all scrambly and enjoy with your water or black coffee.

Salad
   Ingredients: lettuce, various vegetables, a Whole30 approved salad dressing if you have it
   Prep Time: however long it takes you to chop up some veggies and throw them in a bowl
   How To Cook: I literally just told you.

Sweet Potatoes
   Ingredients: sweet potato
   Prep Time: just press "potato" on your microwave - nobody actually knows how long it goes for
   How To Cook: with a microwave

Hope this gave you all the encouragement to never stop fighting and to not give up on your resolutions 3 months in.

I love you

*If you don't believe me ask me and I'll show you next time you see me

Resolution Re-Start

Greetings - and sun salutations to all of my fellow yogis out there. Also namaste to all unless you're in ISIS.

As you can see my New Years Resolutions of blogging more is going great - we're 19ish days into 2017 and I am just now "putting pen to pad" as us journalists say. My other resolution was to get into yoga. But like, REALLY, into yoga. Like talk-down-to-my-friends-and-family-for-not-practicing-yoga, into yoga. However the current state of my winter soft body will quickly show I have not yet practiced the ancient form of uncomfortable stretching - but it's whatever because its bulking season.

Anyways, because I am a man of the people, I have decided to dedicate this post to anybody out there who may need a re-start on their resolutions. It worked pretty well for MTV and made them relevant again for a few minutes so lets give it a shot.

Lets face it, you've already stopped going to the gym, you do not have a plan in place to save more money and I'll be dammed if you actually deactivate Facebook and stop judging people you don't know anymore, Karen.

Here is a short list of how we, the people, will become better in 2017:

1. Use your turn signal. This is a really quick and effective way to quit being an asshole. Failure to do so should be right below murder.

2. Clean up your dog's poop.

3. Stop being creepy to women online and in real life. This one applies to women as well, we (men) 

4. Be a better traveler. I feel like this should be a no brainer but alas here we are two thousand and seventeen years after Jesus was born (or did we start counting after he died? This is probably something I could google) and we still cannot figure out how to be decent humans at an airport. I am going to give people a pass on the whole self print baggage label thing because I could see how that could be tricky but also the ticket has instructions printed on the ticket soo....

• In the security line, you know you are going to have to show your ticket and ID. I'm not saying you have to have them in your hand while you wait in a 45 minute line but put them in an easily accessible pocket. 
• In every airport security line there is a man or woman shouting instructions over, and over, and over, and over again. Listen once. Or even read one of the ten signs? Be an adult and be prepared when it is your turn. It is not cute when you get up there and forgot to take items out of your pocket or take your belt off. You are wasting everybody's time and if you are in an airport or terminal with a Sbarro and you hold up the line it should be legal to throw hand held items under five pounds at you. Daddy's hungry and we (the people) hate you. 
• At the gate, why does everybody crowd around the entry way? Once again, there is a person on an intercom giving you instructions. They will not leave you, they will actually call your name over the entire airport PA system if you are late. Everybody just chill. 
• If someone is sitting behind you, don't lean your seat back. Everybody is uncomfortable. Deal with it.
• Here is the big one, and I am getting angry just thinking about this; when the plane stops just stay seated until it is your turn to leave. I know for a fact that if you are one of those people who stand up as soon as the plane stops, your family has a separate Christmas party every year without you so they can enjoy the holiday. 
• So we're landed. By now you have been seated for a couple of hours. Somewhere in those couple of hours please take 15 seconds and develop a plan to grab your bag from the overhead space and make a quick exit. 
• Now we are at the baggage claim. Waiting to claim our bags. But what is that? The same people who had to stand up and advance 3 rows before standing in a line in the back of the plane are standing directly in front of the conveyor belt so normal humans can't see if their bags are ready. Holiday party. It was great. We played Catch Phrase and nobody missed you. 

5. This one might sting but can we all agree that no adult male looks good in a replica jersey? I am not saying to throw away your jerseys of your favorite players, but what I am saying is that everybody talks about you behind your back. For 2017 lets all agree to adhere to this rule: no wearing a jersey of an athlete younger than you*. Have some pride, man. If you want to throw on a Larry Bird jersey, I have zero qualms with that if you are under the age of 60. Ray Lewis? Great, but you better be under 41. But Steph Curry is only 28 - Brett, I know you averaged 10 and 5 on your intramural squad junior year of high school but maybe reach for the Chris Mullin throwback instead.


That is it. Pretty simple. Thank you for coming. I love you.









*You are not younger than you. Personalized jerseys with your name on the back are whats wrong with America.

2016: New Year, New Blog, New Me, Who Dis

BREAKING NEWS: After five-ish years I have decided to make my unnecessary return to the internet that I assure you nobody asked for.

First things first, allow me to reintroduce myself: I'm Kevin Ballinger - formally of the Long Snapping blog SNAPPING NECKS, Sports Illustrated Extra Mustard and a proud Walk On alumni of the Purdue University Football team. Notice I do not say that I am a former Walk On because, as all Walk Ons know, once a Walk On, always a Walk On. Walk Ons are like the friend zone of collegiate sports - some go on to do great things in their respective sport like such as, Clay Matthews (ever heard of him?), Ben Wallace (ever heard of him?) and Scottie Pippen (ever freaking heard of him?) - but most of us go into sales.

But Kev, why do you keep capitalizing Walk Ons?
Excellent question. Because if I don't, who will?

Second things second, my dad and maybe six other people may notice that I have changed the name of my blog. I have done this for two reasons: 1. I can't remember my old log in. 2. I have not snapped a neck in years. People may be asking, who is this guy and why does his opinion matter? Well I kind of just told you who I am here to tell you that my opinion does not matter. You, as a reader, have the option to not read this blog because this is America and because this is America, I can assure you I will not be reading yours.

I chose the name Washed Up Walk On because it is a catchy alliteration and if I know anything about women, its that they dig alliteration. Without doing any research on the origin of the term "Washed Up" would insinuate that whatever is washed up was at one point sea-worthy and capable of sailing the mighty seas - trust me, the only thing I was sailing in my heyday was punt snaps over a punter's head on scout team and the only thing that was floating in my five years as an "athlete" were kegs. Ha! Just kidding mom. I was floating books. Lots and lots of book reading. That's how I managed to squeeze in a four year Physical Education degree in just over five years.

I will be posting periodically about a variety of topics including but not limited to: sports, social media, hot takes, cool beans, pop culture, sex, drugs and rock and roll.

Thirds things thirds, the hot topic right now is how crappy 2016 has been for them personally. I could not disagree more. Four major things have happened in my life in 2016 and in no particular order they are as follows:

• I found out narwhals are actually real 
• I got a new pair of shoes
• I swam with sharks (not true)
• I'm like 95% sure I got married

For these last few days of 2016 lets focus on the good and gear up for 2017 when we all go to the gym every day and stop eating junk food and talk to that cute guy in accounting.

I love you and I honestly cannot believe you are still reading this. Next time you see me, you get a high five.  k bye