*SPOILERS AHEAD*
(We should start by this disclaimer of that is such: Steven is
currently ALLEGEDLY involved in some shady stuff of which I do not condone,
however I do condone kicking bad guys in the face and pony tails on dudes over
the age of 40.)
The following is a definitive ranking of the top 5 Steven Seagal
movies based on a few very important parameters that I have set as the foremost
expert on movies of this generation, and honestly, quite possibly the next. I
have watched well over 75 movies in my lifetime and have also watched The
Office and Parks and Rec a combined 5 times through (excluding Scott’s Tots for
obvious reasons).
The scoring will go as followed:
How badass is the cover - 5 points
How badass are the glasses Steven Seagal is wearing on the cover -
7 points
Have I seen the movie - 10 points
How many bad guys get killed (based off of my estimation of either
watching the movie or reading a brief summary of said movie) - 12 points
5. Into the Sun (2005)
Cover - 5 points: This cover is SUPER badass. Tons of
flames and explosions. Sensi Seagal has what would appear to be an M-16 with a
friggin GRENADE LAUNCHER strapped to his back (would probably explain the
explosions). The tag line reads “Only one man can stop the Yakuza” and if
that’s true, I’m glad he’s on our side.
Glasses - 0 points: Not even wearing any. Honestly should
get negative points IMO. Probably lost them in the explosions though.
Seen the movie -
0 points: Didn’t even read a summary.
Bad guys killed -
1 point: Probably like 3 and one of them is just playing dead.
Final thoughts: 6 points: This movie kind of sucks, don’t waste
your time. Does not live up to the hype of the cover. Truly disappointing.
4. Under Siege 2 (1995)
Cover - 4 points: Ol buddy is literally riding the side of
a flaming train, doesn’t get much more badass than that (unless maybe if you
were walking away from an exploding train wearing a leather duster ((see
above)).
Glasses - 4 points: Given my limited research on the
subject, 1995 was before he started wearing glasses. Could be wrong though
honestly. However, he gets 4 points because his eyes in the photo are piercing
yet so calming in this seemingly triumphant moment in the movie. Seagal has the
look of a guy who is about to save the girl and do what grown-ups do.
Seen the movie - 5.5 points: Have not seen the movie but I think I
have seen the original Under Siege and I can infer what happens from
there.
Bad Guys Killed - 9 Points: At least 30 bad guys were on that train.
That train looks pretty evil.
Final thoughts - 22.5
points: A major step up
from Into the Sun but still not one of Seagal’s strongest performances. As a
movie buff, Under Siege 1 is much better.
3. Code of Honor (2016)
Cover - 5 points: Backwards hat, check. Fire and
explosions, check. Large gun, check. Our first look at Steve with a goatee,
CHECK.
Glasses - 7 points: Red oval lenses with wire frames were
all the rage in 2016 and we owe it all to one man, Mr. Steven Seagal. Not only
is he from Lansing, Michigan and a naturalized citizen of Russia, Steven Seagal
is a Kanye-esque trend setter and he does not get enough credit for that.
Seen the movie - 2 points: This is where this movie gets hurt in
the scoring however I have read the first paragraph of the movie’s Wikipedia
page. Colonel Robert Sikes appears to be a one man wrecking crew/vigilante. Sikes
is fighting against the man (his former protégé and local authorities). This
movie is 106 minutes long and had a budget of $8 million.
Bad Guys Killed - 0 points: Its hard to tell from the first
paragraph if he’s killing good guys or bad guys or bad buys who hide behind the
veil of being a good guy? So I’m going to play it safe and award him 0
points.
Final thoughts - 14 points: This movie has it all: a cool cover, red
oval glasses, a man who has been wronged (I think?) and Steven Seagal.
Definitely worth a watch if you can find yourself a copy at your local pawn
shop.
2. Machete (2010)
Cover - 5 points: Wow. Talk about a star studded cast!
Danny Trejo holding, you guessed it, a friggin machete. Jessica Alba is there,
remember her? Robert DeNiro of Dirty Grandpa fame. The chick from Fast and
Furious! And last but certainly not least, Steven Seagal wielding a very large
katana sword.
Glasses - 5 points: I know he’s not wearing them on the cover
but I think he wears them at some point in the movie? Don’t fact check me.
Seen the movie - 10 points: I have seen the movie and I can
confidently say its a great rainy day watch or any day watch for that matter.
Machete is a masterpiece and the plot is so crazy you wouldn’t believe me if I
told you. I don’t want to give anything away but the good guys win and its
freakin sweet.
Bad Guys Killed - 11 points (would have been 12 but had to pour one
out for the homie S. Seagal): Kind of a good news/bad news situation here, you
guys. Seagal (Rogelio Torres) is a bad guy and he meets his death, however he
does it in the most traditional way possible for a guy who was born in Michigan
and is playing a man of Spanish descent but now lives in Russia and is obsessed
with martial arts and Asian culture (I’m talkin’ seppuku, you guys).
Final thoughts - 31 points: This movie should have swept the 2010
Academy Awards.
1. Exit Wounds (2001)
Cover - 5 points: Steven Seagal and DMX photoshopped onto
a gun in the foreground of an ominous background? This poster is still widely
considered the most creative and thought provoking movie poster of all time.
Entire masters-level graphic design class curriculums are based solely on this
poster alone. I wish I could give it more than just 5 measly points.
Glasses - 7 points: I know Steven Seagal isn’t wearing his
patented round wire framed glasses but honestly how many chances do we get to
see DMX in Steven Seagal’s glasses? Have to take and cherish those
opportunities when they present themselves.
Seen the movie - 10 points: I remember watching this exquisite film
in my buddy David’s basement (David does CrossFit now but we remain close) and
it has lived with me ever since; mostly just the scene where the fat guy tries
to follow DMX over the fence but steps into the box and doesn’t make it. Come
to think of it, that’s pretty much all I remember about the movie outside of
DMX and Steven Seagal putting on a performance that unofficially inspired
Prince’s smash hit, “When Doves Cry.”
Bad Guys Killed - 12 points:
If my memory serves me correctly from high school, a LOT of bad guys get killed
in this movie and it comes in a myriad of forms. Guns, kicks, stabs, punches
and swords (probably) are all used to defeat evil.
Final thoughts - 36 points: A perfect score for perfect film. Two
noted all-around good guys (Steven Seagal and DMX) will bring you to tears and
have you on the edge of your seat for the duration of it’s 102 minutes of run
time. You’ll also get to watch a portly man fall though a box and its funnier
than it sounds, I swear.
