Well as you can see my new years resolution of writing is going great. The following is a bit of investigative journalism, I am out here risking life and limb for you, the reader. Also I forgot my login information to this blog. I also changed the name. Don't like it? Fight me.
How is your new years resolution going? Losing that weight? Hitting that gym? Going steady with Andrew in accounting yet? He turned out to be a jerk didn't he? Don't worry about it, you are a strong independent human who don't need no man (or woman, this is an inclusive internet site).
Anyways, pitter patter lets get at 'er
As a former athlete (again I use this term extremely loosely) I am always looking for the next challenge - how can I compete? CrossFit? Nah, too hard on my joints and my shoulder mobility is that of a 15 year old arthritic German Shepherd. Intramural sports? Great idea but also that is going to be a hard pass on the account of lack of planning on my part. Diet challenge with your wife? Perfect.
Mrs. Ballinger and I decided we wanted to eat healthier - and I want to look like Gaston LeGume - so we went with the Whole30 Diet. For those of you not familiar, basically you cut out all processed foods, sugar and grains for 30 days - at least that is what my wife said, she read most of the book. As a general rule of thumb, if you cannot read the ingredient with confidence and you do not know what it is, you cannot eat it (this would be tough for all you science nerds and dietitians out there because you know, or should know, what most ingredients are ((I should know, I have barely passed my fair share of science classes and took the same nutrition class in college, twice)). All jokes aside, the diet did actually make me feel better and I had more energy and yada yada yada, below is a quick glimpse on how it went and some of my favorite recipes I found.
The following is an actual log of thoughts and happenings that I wrote (typed) down in my journal (note app on my phone)*:
- Day 1: Couldn't have my normal oatmeal for breakfast so that sucks. Very hungry and very tired. I want an energy drink but those are off limits. Guess I'll have this water. Hangry.
- Day 2: Discovered Lara Bars. Which are Whole30 compliant. Some of them. The ones that sound the best are not but I'll take what I can get.
- Day 3: Would murder for a burger. Double homicide for burger and nachos.
- Day 4: I had not been taking my adult gummy vitamins because they have sugar in them. Cheated and took my vitamins. Was in heaven for 30 seconds. Thought about eating entire bottle but refrained. Way to go Kev!
- Day 5: Walking in parking lot of a hospital found a green tea + honey packet on the ground. Thinking about picking it up and drinking it but where would I get hot water? There has got to be hot water somewhere. This can be our little secret. EDITOR'S NOTE: I did not drink said tea. No I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the troops and first responders.
- Day 6: Friday Night: got invited to have drinks with friends. Not allowed to have alcohol. Mrs. B and I went to a restaurant instead and I ordered a bison burger with no bun. Felt ashamed. Later went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on plantain chips (I'm allowed to have plantain chips) and salsa.
- Day 7: Ate so many plantain chips I almost threw up. Don't think I was supposed to eat that many plantain chips.
- Day 8: Gotta find something to do that does not involve alcohol on a perfect spring day. Went to Houston Museum of Natural Science to see an exhibit on Wildlife Photography. Phenomenal exhibit although one picture was the close up of a bird and part of the bird looked like Ramen Noodles. Thought about Ramen for the next 6 hours.
- Day 9: Ate like 9 salads.
- Day 10: This is actually going pretty well. I feel great and the food is pretty good. I can definitely do this.
- Day 11: Went to Denver on a business trip and had 3 craft beers, nachos, some sort of pizza rollup concoction sent from the heavens and almost an entire Ruben Pizza.
Eleven days is pretty good, right? That is over .300 - hall of fame numbers.
As promised, here are a few of my favorite recipes from the diet. Try them out and let me know how it goes!
Scrambled Eggs
Ingredients: Eggs, pepper, dash of salt, maybe some italian seasoning if you're feeling frisky but don't even think about adding delicious shredded cheese
Prep Time: like 4 minutes maybe?
How to cook: Crack eggs into hot pan, mix them up until they get all scrambly and enjoy with your water or black coffee.
Salad
Ingredients: lettuce, various vegetables, a Whole30 approved salad dressing if you have it
Prep Time: however long it takes you to chop up some veggies and throw them in a bowl
How To Cook: I literally just told you.
Sweet Potatoes
Ingredients: sweet potato
Prep Time: just press "potato" on your microwave - nobody actually knows how long it goes for
How To Cook: with a microwave
As promised, here are a few of my favorite recipes from the diet. Try them out and let me know how it goes!
Scrambled Eggs
Ingredients: Eggs, pepper, dash of salt, maybe some italian seasoning if you're feeling frisky but don't even think about adding delicious shredded cheese
Prep Time: like 4 minutes maybe?
How to cook: Crack eggs into hot pan, mix them up until they get all scrambly and enjoy with your water or black coffee.
Salad
Ingredients: lettuce, various vegetables, a Whole30 approved salad dressing if you have it
Prep Time: however long it takes you to chop up some veggies and throw them in a bowl
How To Cook: I literally just told you.
Sweet Potatoes
Ingredients: sweet potato
Prep Time: just press "potato" on your microwave - nobody actually knows how long it goes for
How To Cook: with a microwave
Hope this gave you all the encouragement to never stop fighting and to not give up on your resolutions 3 months in.
I love you
*If you don't believe me ask me and I'll show you next time you see me
