As you can see my New Years Resolutions of blogging more is going great - we're 19ish days into 2017 and I am just now "putting pen to pad" as us journalists say. My other resolution was to get into yoga. But like, REALLY, into yoga. Like talk-down-to-my-friends-and-family-for-not-practicing-yoga, into yoga. However the current state of my winter soft body will quickly show I have not yet practiced the ancient form of uncomfortable stretching - but it's whatever because its bulking season.
Anyways, because I am a man of the people, I have decided to dedicate this post to anybody out there who may need a re-start on their resolutions. It worked pretty well for MTV and made them relevant again for a few minutes so lets give it a shot.
Lets face it, you've already stopped going to the gym, you do not have a plan in place to save more money and I'll be dammed if you actually deactivate Facebook and stop judging people you don't know anymore, Karen.
Here is a short list of how we, the people, will become better in 2017:
1. Use your turn signal. This is a really quick and effective way to quit being an asshole. Failure to do so should be right below murder.
2. Clean up your dog's poop.
3. Stop being creepy to women online and in real life. This one applies to women as well, we (men)
4. Be a better traveler. I feel like this should be a no brainer but alas here we are two thousand and seventeen years after Jesus was born (or did we start counting after he died? This is probably something I could google) and we still cannot figure out how to be decent humans at an airport. I am going to give people a pass on the whole self print baggage label thing because I could see how that could be tricky but also the ticket has instructions printed on the ticket soo....
- In the security line, you know you are going to have to show your ticket and ID. I'm not saying you have to have them in your hand while you wait in a 45 minute line but put them in an easily accessible pocket.
- In every airport security line there is a man or woman shouting instructions over, and over, and over, and over again. Listen once. Or even read one of the ten signs? Be an adult and be prepared when it is your turn. It is not cute when you get up there and forgot to take items out of your pocket or take your belt off. You are wasting everybody's time and if you are in an airport or terminal with a Sbarro and you hold up the line it should be legal to throw hand held items under five pounds at you. Daddy's hungry and we (the people) hate you.
- At the gate, why does everybody crowd around the entry way? Once again, there is a person on an intercom giving you instructions. They will not leave you, they will actually call your name over the entire airport PA system if you are late. Everybody just chill.
- If someone is sitting behind you, don't lean your seat back. Everybody is uncomfortable. Deal with it.
- Here is the big one, and I am getting angry just thinking about this; when the plane stops just stay seated until it is your turn to leave. I know for a fact that if you are one of those people who stand up as soon as the plane stops, your family has a separate Christmas party every year without you so they can enjoy the holiday.
- So we're landed. By now you have been seated for a couple of hours. Somewhere in those couple of hours please take 15 seconds and develop a plan to grab your bag from the overhead space and make a quick exit.
- Now we are at the baggage claim. Waiting to claim our bags. But what is that? The same people who had to stand up and advance 3 rows before standing in a line in the back of the plane are standing directly in front of the conveyor belt so normal humans can't see if their bags are ready. Holiday party. It was great. We played Catch Phrase and nobody missed you.
That is it. Pretty simple. Thank you for coming. I love you.
*You are not younger than you. Personalized jerseys with your name on the back are whats wrong with America.
