WalkOn30

Well as you can see my new years resolution of writing is going great. The following is a bit of investigative journalism, I am out here risking life and limb for you, the reader. Also I forgot my login information to this blog. I also changed the name. Don't like it? Fight me.

How is your new years resolution going? Losing that weight? Hitting that gym? Going steady with Andrew in accounting yet? He turned out to be a jerk didn't he? Don't worry about it, you are a strong independent human who don't need no man (or woman, this is an inclusive internet site).

Anyways, pitter patter lets get at 'er


As a former athlete (again I use this term extremely loosely) I am always looking for the next challenge - how can I compete? CrossFit? Nah, too hard on my joints and my shoulder mobility is that of a 15 year old arthritic German Shepherd. Intramural sports? Great idea but also that is going to be a hard pass on the account of lack of planning on my part. Diet challenge with your wife? Perfect.

Mrs. Ballinger and I decided we wanted to eat healthier - and I want to look like Gaston LeGume - so we went with the Whole30 Diet. For those of you not familiar, basically you cut out all processed foods, sugar and grains for 30 days - at least that is what my wife said, she read most of the book. As a general rule of thumb, if you cannot read the ingredient with confidence and you do not know what it is, you cannot eat it (this would be tough for all you science nerds and dietitians out there because you know, or should know, what most ingredients are ((I should know, I have barely passed my fair share of science classes and took the same nutrition class in college, twice)). All jokes aside, the diet did actually make me feel better and I had more energy and yada yada yada, below is a quick glimpse on how it went and some of my favorite recipes I found.

The following is an actual log of thoughts and happenings that I wrote (typed) down in my journal (note app on my phone)*:

• Day 1: Couldn't have my normal oatmeal for breakfast so that sucks. Very hungry and very tired. I want an energy drink but those are off limits. Guess I'll have this water. Hangry.
• Day 2: Discovered Lara Bars. Which are Whole30 compliant. Some of them. The ones that sound the best are not but I'll take what I can get. 
• Day 3: Would murder for a burger. Double homicide for burger and nachos. 
• Day 4: I had not been taking my adult gummy vitamins because they have sugar in them. Cheated and took my vitamins. Was in heaven for 30 seconds. Thought about eating entire bottle but refrained. Way to go Kev!
• Day 5: Walking in parking lot of a hospital found a green tea + honey packet on the ground. Thinking about picking it up and drinking it but where would I get hot water? There has got to be hot water somewhere. This can be our little secret. EDITOR'S NOTE: I did not drink said tea. No I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the troops and first responders. 
• Day 6: Friday Night: got invited to have drinks with friends. Not allowed to have alcohol. Mrs. B and I went to a restaurant instead and I ordered a bison burger with no bun. Felt ashamed. Later went to Trader Joe's and stocked up on plantain chips (I'm allowed to have plantain chips) and salsa. 
• Day 7: Ate so many plantain chips I almost threw up. Don't think I was supposed to eat that many plantain chips. 
• Day 8: Gotta find something to do that does not involve alcohol on a perfect spring day. Went to Houston Museum of Natural Science to see an exhibit on Wildlife Photography. Phenomenal exhibit although one picture was the close up of a bird and part of the bird looked like Ramen Noodles. Thought about Ramen for the next 6 hours. 
• Day 9: Ate like 9 salads.
• Day 10: This is actually going pretty well. I feel great and the food is pretty good. I can definitely do this.
• Day 11: Went to Denver on a business trip and had 3 craft beers, nachos, some sort of pizza rollup concoction sent from the heavens and almost an entire Ruben Pizza. 

Eleven days is pretty good, right? That is over .300 - hall of fame numbers.

As promised, here are a few of my favorite recipes from the diet. Try them out and let me know how it goes!

Scrambled Eggs
   Ingredients: Eggs, pepper, dash of salt, maybe some italian seasoning if you're feeling frisky but don't even think about adding delicious shredded cheese
   Prep Time: like 4 minutes maybe?
   How to cook: Crack eggs into hot pan, mix them up until they get all scrambly and enjoy with your water or black coffee.

Salad
   Ingredients: lettuce, various vegetables, a Whole30 approved salad dressing if you have it
   Prep Time: however long it takes you to chop up some veggies and throw them in a bowl
   How To Cook: I literally just told you.

Sweet Potatoes
   Ingredients: sweet potato
   Prep Time: just press "potato" on your microwave - nobody actually knows how long it goes for
   How To Cook: with a microwave

Hope this gave you all the encouragement to never stop fighting and to not give up on your resolutions 3 months in.

I love you

*If you don't believe me ask me and I'll show you next time you see me

Resolution Re-Start

Greetings - and sun salutations to all of my fellow yogis out there. Also namaste to all unless you're in ISIS.

As you can see my New Years Resolutions of blogging more is going great - we're 19ish days into 2017 and I am just now "putting pen to pad" as us journalists say. My other resolution was to get into yoga. But like, REALLY, into yoga. Like talk-down-to-my-friends-and-family-for-not-practicing-yoga, into yoga. However the current state of my winter soft body will quickly show I have not yet practiced the ancient form of uncomfortable stretching - but it's whatever because its bulking season.

Anyways, because I am a man of the people, I have decided to dedicate this post to anybody out there who may need a re-start on their resolutions. It worked pretty well for MTV and made them relevant again for a few minutes so lets give it a shot.

Lets face it, you've already stopped going to the gym, you do not have a plan in place to save more money and I'll be dammed if you actually deactivate Facebook and stop judging people you don't know anymore, Karen.

Here is a short list of how we, the people, will become better in 2017:

1. Use your turn signal. This is a really quick and effective way to quit being an asshole. Failure to do so should be right below murder.

2. Clean up your dog's poop.

3. Stop being creepy to women online and in real life. This one applies to women as well, we (men) 

4. Be a better traveler. I feel like this should be a no brainer but alas here we are two thousand and seventeen years after Jesus was born (or did we start counting after he died? This is probably something I could google) and we still cannot figure out how to be decent humans at an airport. I am going to give people a pass on the whole self print baggage label thing because I could see how that could be tricky but also the ticket has instructions printed on the ticket soo....

• In the security line, you know you are going to have to show your ticket and ID. I'm not saying you have to have them in your hand while you wait in a 45 minute line but put them in an easily accessible pocket. 
• In every airport security line there is a man or woman shouting instructions over, and over, and over, and over again. Listen once. Or even read one of the ten signs? Be an adult and be prepared when it is your turn. It is not cute when you get up there and forgot to take items out of your pocket or take your belt off. You are wasting everybody's time and if you are in an airport or terminal with a Sbarro and you hold up the line it should be legal to throw hand held items under five pounds at you. Daddy's hungry and we (the people) hate you. 
• At the gate, why does everybody crowd around the entry way? Once again, there is a person on an intercom giving you instructions. They will not leave you, they will actually call your name over the entire airport PA system if you are late. Everybody just chill. 
• If someone is sitting behind you, don't lean your seat back. Everybody is uncomfortable. Deal with it.
• Here is the big one, and I am getting angry just thinking about this; when the plane stops just stay seated until it is your turn to leave. I know for a fact that if you are one of those people who stand up as soon as the plane stops, your family has a separate Christmas party every year without you so they can enjoy the holiday. 
• So we're landed. By now you have been seated for a couple of hours. Somewhere in those couple of hours please take 15 seconds and develop a plan to grab your bag from the overhead space and make a quick exit. 
• Now we are at the baggage claim. Waiting to claim our bags. But what is that? The same people who had to stand up and advance 3 rows before standing in a line in the back of the plane are standing directly in front of the conveyor belt so normal humans can't see if their bags are ready. Holiday party. It was great. We played Catch Phrase and nobody missed you. 

5. This one might sting but can we all agree that no adult male looks good in a replica jersey? I am not saying to throw away your jerseys of your favorite players, but what I am saying is that everybody talks about you behind your back. For 2017 lets all agree to adhere to this rule: no wearing a jersey of an athlete younger than you*. Have some pride, man. If you want to throw on a Larry Bird jersey, I have zero qualms with that if you are under the age of 60. Ray Lewis? Great, but you better be under 41. But Steph Curry is only 28 - Brett, I know you averaged 10 and 5 on your intramural squad junior year of high school but maybe reach for the Chris Mullin throwback instead.


That is it. Pretty simple. Thank you for coming. I love you.









*You are not younger than you. Personalized jerseys with your name on the back are whats wrong with America.